Now the question arises; what if you don’t have diarrhea? What if it’s a good, cold, solid poop that can’t be covered up as “spilt coffee” or “a mud puddle mishap”? Well, there are several scenarios where this sort of event can happen.
The first situation we will cover is the subway. You are sitting next to a stranger on a crowded subway. You may or may not have planned to poop in advance, but the course of action is the same regardless.
Only if you are extremely comfortable with pooping in public should you announce your poop to the person sitting next to you; e.g., “I am going to poop”, or possibly “I have pooped” if the event in question has already occurred. Otherwise, follow these vital guidelines.
If you expect to be pooping on this subway ride, make sure you smile and say hello to the person you sit next to. This will establish an air of familiarity so that in the event that your poop is noticed, the stranger will be less inclined to react with revulsion, and more inclined to feel bad for you. If you do not expect to be pooping, it would not be inadvisable to do this anyway, just in case.
Now that you are seated comfortably, let’s say you poop your pants about halfway through the ride. It is a half-hour ride, so you should expect to have poopy pants for more at least 15 minutes; more if you have not brought along your emergency trousers (see chapter 3).
Once you have pooped your pants, if you do not want the stranger sitting next to you to notice, you need to cover for 3 uh-ohs (as opposed to the 2 uh-ohs of the previous chapters). You need to cover up the SMELL, the SIGHT, and the TOUCH.
The SMELL is covered by any of the techniques from the previous chapters (best choice: point out the oldest person in the vicinity and make conversation about “old person smell”). The SIGHT is somewhat different, as you are dealing with a solid poo. There are two anecdotes you can slip into conversation to cover the sight of a solid poo poking out of your pants.
“So I’ve been trying to genetically engineer myself a tail, recently…”
“Old people smell terrible. It’s probably because they’re dying. I have a giant tumor on my rear end.”
Alternatively, you can bounce up and down in your seat as part of your “pilates course”. This will hopefully flatten the poo enough for you to look inconspicuous.
The unique aspect of this kind of poo is the TOUCH. Solid poo has a very distinct feel to it. The only solution is to make sure nobody touches your butt. NOBODY. If anybody does, it’s game over. You’ve failed to poop in public.
Now, you may be wondering what to do if subway security gives you a cavity search at the end of the ride. Well, to find out, proceed to chapter 7….
If you expect to be pooping on this subway ride, make sure you smile and say hello to the person you sit next to. This will establish an air of familiarity so that in the event that your poop is noticed, the stranger will be less inclined to react with revulsion, and more inclined to feel bad for you. If you do not expect to be pooping, it would not be inadvisable to do this anyway, just in case.
Now that you are seated comfortably, let’s say you poop your pants about halfway through the ride. It is a half-hour ride, so you should expect to have poopy pants for more at least 15 minutes; more if you have not brought along your emergency trousers (see chapter 3).
Once you have pooped your pants, if you do not want the stranger sitting next to you to notice, you need to cover for 3 uh-ohs (as opposed to the 2 uh-ohs of the previous chapters). You need to cover up the SMELL, the SIGHT, and the TOUCH.
The SMELL is covered by any of the techniques from the previous chapters (best choice: point out the oldest person in the vicinity and make conversation about “old person smell”). The SIGHT is somewhat different, as you are dealing with a solid poo. There are two anecdotes you can slip into conversation to cover the sight of a solid poo poking out of your pants.
“So I’ve been trying to genetically engineer myself a tail, recently…”
“Old people smell terrible. It’s probably because they’re dying. I have a giant tumor on my rear end.”
Alternatively, you can bounce up and down in your seat as part of your “pilates course”. This will hopefully flatten the poo enough for you to look inconspicuous.
The unique aspect of this kind of poo is the TOUCH. Solid poo has a very distinct feel to it. The only solution is to make sure nobody touches your butt. NOBODY. If anybody does, it’s game over. You’ve failed to poop in public.
Now, you may be wondering what to do if subway security gives you a cavity search at the end of the ride. Well, to find out, proceed to chapter 7….
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