This is a repost of something I wrote a few years ago, but you probably never read it, so it's new to you

I'm putting this up for two reasons. 1) I seriously am exhausted tonight, and even though I know I should be updating my blog on a weekly basis, I literally can't think of a thing to say. 2) I like to look at my old writing to see how much has changed since I wrote things like this two years ago. As you can tell, I was a lot angrier. It's a good thing I'm in a relationship now.

I was driving through Meredith today, going to a highly unnecessary orthodontist appointment, when a sign in front of the Meredith Baptist Church caught my eye. It was one of those stupid religious billboards with trite sayings that neither communicate any intelligent commentary on faith, nor communicate anything intelligent at all. Usually, I just ignore these signs and go on my merry Roman Catholic way, but today the sign I saw angered me with its blatant disregard for any sort of mathematical, logical, or downright common sense.

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE NOT THINGS

I'm sorry, what?

That makes sense how?

Okay, then what are the best things in life? Are you saying the best things in life are logical contradictions?

I mean just think about it. In mathematical terms, what you're essentially saying here is "x does not equal x". You CAN'T DO THAT! It doesn't make sense!

In Aristotelian logic, you would have to sum this sentence up in the following argument.

1. Some things (x) are the best things (y) (Assuming that there are "best things")

2. No things (x) are the best things (y) (re-arranged from THE BEST THINGS ARE NOT THINGS)

3. Conclusion: Some things (x) are not things (x)

4. Conclusion: People who make signs (z) are idiots (k)

Already, if we go by the square of opposition, we can see that what we have here is a contradiction. Actually, you know what? You don't even need a square of opposition. IT'S SO FREAKING OBVIOUS!

I noticed that-with very little effort-you could arrange the letters on this sign to say THE HINGES ARE NOT HINGES. And you might as well. Because it MAKES ABOUT THE SAME AMOUNT OF SENSE.

Okay, I get what they're saying with this sign. They're saying "Hey, you shouldn't worry about material possessions ("things") so much because (either God or your family or...I dunno, fruit roll ups maybe) are the best things in life. And they're not things! Doesn't that make them good things?". Well, in that case, what the hell is the definition for a thing? You're saying (God or your family or whatever) is not a thing. Says who? If a "thing" is an object in space, then hell, maybe a person is a thing in the strictly literal sense. A person is totally an object in space, although it has the capabilities and sentience to distinguish it from non-sentient objects. But fine, we'll all agree that calling a person a "thing" is kind of derogatory, so they're not really things. We'll limit "things" to non-living objects, like an X-Box or a poop sculpture. Well then, why bother even classifying (people or God or whatever) as "the best things" in the first place? You're trying to have your cake and eat it too, aren't you? It's the equivalent of a dumbass husband saying to his wife "you're the best thing in my life!.....not that I think of you as a thing or anything...Not like you're just an object to me...a dishwasher, specifically..."

So don't even bother with the Oscar nominees this year, because according to the Baptists it's quite possible to nominate your grandparents for Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Animated Short. When the audience screams in protest as Granny Meredith mounts the stage to take her Best Supporting Actress Oscar, you can go up to the podium and say "Hey, hey, hey, look. The best supporting actresses are not actresses, okay?"